Being married to a sexually abused spouse

It doesn't just go away; that's not how the brain works. If and when she shares any specifics of the abuse with you, just listen and empathize with how she must have felt. With their whole beings, they believe that their wives have a choice to be more openly sexual and uninhibited, and they are just not trying hard enough to put their abuse history behind them. The brain is supposed to remember very bad things and keep us away from them. By the time they come in for treatment, there have likely been many years during which the partner abused in childhood has not enjoyed sex if she ever did , and her partner is frustrated, confused, angry, and hurt. Encourage her to seek individual therapy to process and work through her trauma history with a trained counselor. I'm going to use examples of a woman with a sexual abuse history and her upset husband, since that's what I most often see in treatment, but my points will apply to people of both genders in any type of relationship. Now, you're closer, there is more of a family and deeply emotional bond, and this may trigger the trauma response more.

Being married to a sexually abused spouse


She can move on the same way. Also, this grownup likely threatened that terrible things would happen if they did tell anyone, like that nobody would believe them, everyone would think they were bad and dirty, the whole family would break up, and other terrifying outcomes. Now that she has you, though, she subconsciously relaxes and the trauma comes out again. Tell her that you are sorry that you didn't understand how long lasting the effects of sexual abuse can be, and that you're sorry for saying she should just "get over it" or what have you. If the only time you are Daddy's special girl is when he is touching you, and you're four, you will likely understand that somehow this is "wrong," but you also like Daddy paying attention to you. Then, these negative feelings are exacerbated by her husband's disbelief that she could still be reacting to something so long ago, and so apparently unrelated to having consenting sex within a loving marriage. It is something so out of the ordinary, that it forever changes how you view yourself and the world. The brain is a mighty thing. Just because you know WHY she acts the way she does, doesn't mean your own feelings of loss around the sex life are invalid. Encourage her to seek individual therapy to process and work through her trauma history with a trained counselor. The reason most people never talk about traumatic events, especially sexual abuse, is that it makes them feel ashamed. Both of you can learn to empathize with each other, which will deepen your connection dramatically. Her brain damped down her trauma response during dating and courtship so she could rise to this emergency of needing to find a mate in order to feel good about herself and to prove that she was okay and fine. Because if they had migraines in a concentration camp, it would have been a death sentence, so their body just didn't do it. So, here's a little PTSD primer: By the time they come in for treatment, there have likely been many years during which the partner abused in childhood has not enjoyed sex if she ever did , and her partner is frustrated, confused, angry, and hurt. If they were freed, though, after the war, they got migraines again. If your wife had been unable to have a male touch her at all during courtship, this would have been an emotional death sentence for her, nobody would have married her, she would be unable to find a loving relationship in which she could finally feel secure and loved. No, you're not an abuser, but you're also not trustworthy, and this feeling of not trusting someone is going to really trigger someone with an abuse history. They may orgasm and everything too. It's like research from WWII that showed that people who suffered from debilitating migraines for decades just magically didn't have them at all while they were imprisoned in concentration camps. A woman or man, but sticking to woman for simplicity in this piece in this situation often feels guilty and ashamed for never having "gotten over" her sexual issues stemming from the abuse. Then they feel like they are truly insane, or they "wanted it," or they are "dirty," or whatever else. I am a guy trying to have sex with my wife. And that's a best case scenario; in a worst case scenario, the husbands feel like their wives are tricking them, using some possibly invented series of events to "get out of" having sex, because the wives are lazy or self-centered.

Being married to a sexually abused spouse

Video about being married to a sexually abused spouse:

3 things every husband must know if his wife was sexually abused





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4 thoughts on “Being married to a sexually abused spouse”

  1. Firstly, they are often told very vague, limited information about their wife's sexual abuse, because their wife is too ashamed to talk about it in depth.

  2. Just because you know WHY she acts the way she does, doesn't mean your own feelings of loss around the sex life are invalid.

  3. Now, you're closer, there is more of a family and deeply emotional bond, and this may trigger the trauma response more. Tell her that you are sorry that you didn't understand how long lasting the effects of sexual abuse can be, and that you're sorry for saying she should just "get over it" or what have you.

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